Poker Jokes - Women
These were tough – as a lot of poker jokes about women, obviously, aren’t that complimentary (who writes these things anyway, MEN?!). Oh well, I’m not so caught up in that sort of thing that I can’t enjoy it and laugh. However, ironically enough, the best poker jokes about women are actually NOT also a “poke” – LOL. They’re usually quite funny and in most cases involve the dupping of their man (which is always funny no matter how or for what reason).
A woman who plays poker once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30. One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading. "Dammit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"
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One day Paula walked into a bank to deposit a large sum of money she had won in the casino. Paula walked up to the cashier and handed over a cheque for $850,000. The cashier insisted on checking such a large a mount, and so a few minutes later the bank manager appeared to take a look. The bank manager, curious ad how Paula came to have so much money, started to ask some questions.
"How did you get so much money?"
"Well", she replies, "I'm a bit of a gambler..."
"Really?!" the manager replied, and started to give Paula a lecture about the evils of gambling.
"No really, it's fun!" insisted Paula. "I bet you $10,000 that your balls are square!".
The manager was a bit shocked, but after thinking it though, thought that there was no way he could loose the bet. So they shook hands and went out in to the car park so Paula could check his balls. Standing in the car park was a man wearing a gray suit.
"This is my attorney," said Paula. "He's here to make sure everything is legal."
"OK" said the bank manager, so Paula stepped up in front of him, unzipped his trousers and gave his balls a good feel.
"You're right, they're not square!"
The manager smiled and looked over to the lawyer, who at this point was banging his head on the car. Confused, the manager asked Paula, "What's wrong with your lawyer?"
"Oh, I bet him $100,000 I would have your balls in my hands in five minutes."
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"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.
"You didn't do it, did you?"
"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"
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Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet". Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Rippington says, "I'll tell him."
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A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from the bathroom with an urgent report.
"Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen making love to your wife."
"OK, that's it, guys," Roger said. "This is positively the last deal."
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A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.
"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.
"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game."
"How did you manage to do that?"
"It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."
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Poker Jokes | Cartoons | One-liners | Women | Funny
