Poker Jokes - Funny
Okay – so this is just a category that suits whatever doesn’t fit elsewhere. They’re still great poker jokes but they’re not one liners, they’re not directly about women, and they’re not comics or cartoons. They’re just darn right funny poker jokes that you can tell all you friends, usually, without worry of offending anyone (or equally offending everyone which is okay too). Without further adieu then, let’s laugh it up with some serious poker humor.
A man was walking down the street when he was approached by a homeless person asking for change. "Are you gonna spend this money on booze?" he asks before giving him any money.
"No sir, I don't drink," says the homeless man.
"What about blowing it on cigars?"
"No sir, I don't smoke."
"Well, are you going to gamble it away?" the man asks.
"Oh, no sir, I never gamble."
The man thinks for a moment, and then says, "In that case, would you come home with me? I want to show my wife what happens to a man who doesn't drink, smoke or gamble."
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Little Johnny was already six years old and yet he'd still never spoken a word. His parents were obviously very worried about him, and tried to spend as much time with him as possible. Every Thursday night his father, a well-known and talented poker player, would take him to his poker game, and little Johnny would simply sit and watch.
One night his father was having a particularly bad run of luck, and was going on tilt. Toward the end of the evening, he was nearly at the end of his rope, and when he saw the 2-7 off-suit in his hand, he became furious and splashed the pot to call.
"Daddy, you shouldn't have called that," little Johnny finally said. Astonished, his father dropped his cards, picked him up and said, "Johnny, you're six years old and this is the first time you've ever said a word!"
"Well," replied Johnny, "up until now you were playing fine."
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One morning, a man woke up to hear a voice whispering to him, saying, "Quit your job, sell your house, and take all your money to Las Vegas."
Thinking it odd but not giving it much thought, he goes on about his day. But then at work, while on his lunch break, he hears the voice again: "Quit your job, sell your house, and take all your money to Las Vegas."
He ignores the voice again. But soon he begins to hear it over and over, throughout the day, for two straight weeks: "Quit your job, sell your house, and take all your money to Las Vegas."
"Alright! Alright! I'll do it!" he finally shouts at the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, and catches the next flight to Vegas. Once there, the voice says, "Go to the Horseshoe casino," so he does.
When he gets there, the voice tells him, "Take your money and buy a seat in the WSOP." Ten thousand dollars later he's got his seat at the World Series of Poker, and the first hand he's dealt is As Ad.
"Go all-in," the voice tells him, so he does. Three other players at the table call him, and the dealers lays out the flop, 8h 9h 10h.
"Damn," says the voice.
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A guy was playing 10-20 Texas Holdem and was down 200 dollars when he looked down and noticed a leprechaun standing next his chair.
"I'll make ye a deal," said the leprechaun. "Quit playing poker forever, right now, and I'll give ye a pot of gold worth a million dollars."
The player thought about it for a minute. "Alright," he answered. "Just let me get even first."
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Order: Is each here? Does each have his opposite?
Chaos: I am here, but my opposite is you.
Order: Huh?
Evil: Don't let him bug ya'. We're here.
Truth: My opposite is not here.
Good: Is your opposite "Lies"?
Truth: My opposite is "Void". He couldn't make it.
Evil: : (snicker) Figures!
Order: Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!
Evil: Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!
Good: I have the cards.
Evil: I've got the chips.
Truth: I have the beer.
Chaos: I have the cards!
Order: Shut up.
Order: Whose deal is it?
Evil: Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time?
Truth: It is Good's deal.
Good: OK, five card draw...uh, everything is wild.
Evil: How can anyone win if everything is wild?
Good: No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if...
Order: I like this game.
Evil: This is pointless.
Truth: It is time to deal.
Good: Here we go! Your bet, Truth.
Truth: Five.
Order: Five and raise you five.
Evil: Don't you morons get it? It doesn't matter how much you bet!
Order: I like ten better.
Evil: : (sigh) Call.
Chaos: I fold.
Evil: YOU CAN'T LOSE!
Chaos: I still fold.
Good: OK, I'll call. How many, Truth?
Evil: What's the point in taking more cards?
Truth: I will keep the cards I have.
Order: I will take two.
Evil: Why?!?
Order: I didn't like those.
Evil: None for me.
Chaos: I'll take six.
Good: Sorry, you folded. Dealer keeps his. Bets?
Evil: Oh, just get this over with.
Order: But now we have to bet!
Evil: Any money you put in, you're just gonna get back!
Truth: I am in agreement with Evil. Let us show our cards.
Truth: I have five aces.
Order: I have five ace of spades.
Chaos: I have a three.
Good: Please be quiet. I also have five aces. We all win.
Evil: Hold it, bub. Six aces, read'em and weep.
Good: Where did you get that card?
Truth: He stole it from Chaos.
Evil: You know the rules, boys. The pot's mine.
Good: That was a stupid game.
Order: Whose deal is it?
Truth: The dealer progression is opposite the deal. Chaos deals.
Chaos: Whee!
all but Chaos: (groan)
Chaos: Eleven card stud-hold'em with threes, eights, jacks, and kings wild...fives count as fours, fours count as nines, and queens don't count unless there is a prime numbered spade showing...
Order: I fold...
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Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter greets him at the pearly gates and says, "Bill you're such a unique individual that we've decided to give you a choice between heaven and hell." Bill thinks about this and asks if he can get a look at the two options. St. Peter says, "Sure, I've got a couple of windows you can look through." So he opens the window to heaven and Bill sees lots of angels sitting on clouds plucking harps. Peter then opens the second window to hell. It's a brightly lit casino - lots of people drinking, laughing, and having a good time. There are naked dancing girls on stage and in the corner a nice little poker room. Doyle, Mike and other poker greats are playing Bill's favorite $3-$6 Hold'em. There's an empty seat with chips and they wave at Bill to come join them in the game. Bill tells Saint Peter that he's decided that hell looks like its more fun than heaven and he wants to join the poker game. Saint Peter snaps his fingers and Bill's wish is granted. Well about 6 months go by and Saint Peter decides to see how his friend Bill is doing. He opens the window to hell and there is Bill shacked by his ankles, hanging over a fiery pit. Peter asks him how he likes his new home. Bill says, "Saint Peter, this isn't anything like you showed me. What happened?" Saint Peter responds, "Sorry Bill, I thought you realized that was just the demo version".
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A stranger walks into a saloon and gets a drink. He sees a poker game and asks if he can play. He's told to take a seat. It's a no limit 5-card draw game and he's a pretty good player. After about an hour of so-so hands, he draws Aces full and makes a sizable bet. The old guy across from him raises all-in and the stranger calls. The old guy lays down 23457o and reaches for the chips.
"Whoa, there. I've got Aces-full."
"Yeah, but I've got a wild cat.", says the old guy.
"A wild cat? What the hell is a wild cat?"
"A wild cat is 23457 off-suit." Like this, "Says the old man."
The stranger starts to burn and says, "I've played a lot of poker, but I've never heard of a wild cat."
"Well, if you've played a lot of poker, you oughta know that you should learn the house rules before you play. And this here's a house rule."
At that,the old guy points to a sign just over the stranger's right shoulder. The sign says, "House Rule - Wild Cat is a 23457 off-suit and it beats everything"
Being a gentleman and an honorable gambler, the stranger takes his lumps and settles back for more poker.
Several hours later, the stranger is dealt 23457o. He bets and the same old guy raises him the pot. Without the slightest hint of a tell, the stranger raises all-in. The old guy calls and lays down an ace high flush, and reaches for the chips.
"Whoa there! I've got a wild cat.", says the stranger as he lays down his cards.
"Nice hand.", says the old guy as he scoops up the pot. "What did I tell you about house rules?", as he points to a sign over the stranger's left shoulder.
"House Rule -Wild Cat - Only Good Once a Night"
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Some people just seem to have a lot of luck. A friend of mine is one of those card players who can almost always draw whatever he needs to win a hand in poker, but loses big time at the races.
I asked him about this once and he replied, "Well ... they won't let me shuffle the horses."
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Poker Jokes | Cartoons | One-liners | Women | Funny
